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Difficulty in decision making! This is one of the biggest fears that keep us from moving ahead with our lives. As one of the students mourned, “Sometimes I feel like the proverbial donkey between two bales of hay—unable to decide which one I want, and, in the meantime, starving to death.” The irony, of course, is that by not choosing, we are choosing—to starve.
The problem is that we have been taught “Be careful! You might make the wrong decision!” A wrong decision! Just the sound of that can bring terror to our hearts. We are afraid that the wrong decision will deprive us of something—money, friends, lovers, status, or whatever the right decision is supposed to bring us.
Closely tied to this is our panic over making mistakes. For some reason, we feel we should be perfect, and forget that we learn through our mistakes. Our need to be perfect and our need to control the outcome of events work together to keep us terrified when we think about making a change or attempting a new challenge. (Excerpt is inspired from “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers)
If the above describes you, then there is no need to worry. There really is nothing to lose, only something to gain, whatever the choices you make or actions you take in life. All you have to do to change your world is change the way you think about it. You can actually shift your thinking in such a way as to make a wrong decision or mistake an impossibility. Let’s begin with decision-making.
No-Win Decision Model
Suppose you are at a Choice Point in life. If you are like most of us, you have been taught to use the No-Win Model as you think about the decision to be made. The model looks like this:
Your heart feels heavy about the choice you have to make. You feel somewhat paralyzed as you think about the consequences in life-and-death terms. You stand at the threshold of the decision, lamenting and obsessing: “Should I do this or should I do that? What if I go this way and that happens? What if it doesn’t work out the way I plan? So many other what if . . . ” The “what if”s are out in full force. The internal Chatterbox is at it again. You look at the unknown and try to predict the future; you try to take control of outside forces. Both are impossible. At this point, you might notice that you are driving yourself crazy.
After the decision is made, the No-Win Model makes you constantly reassess the situation, hoping you didn’t make a mistake. You keep looking back and berating yourself with “If only I had . . . ” You waste valuable energy, and you also make yourself miserable.
And you gain relief if the outcome is as you hoped it would be— but only temporarily. As you breathe a sigh of relief, you are already worrying that the situation might reverse itself and that it might ultimately prove to be the wrong decision. Furthermore, you are already fearful about the next decision you have to make because you will have to go through the whole agonizing process once again. Look familiar? Crazy, isn’t it! Clearly, this is a no-win situation. But there is another way—the No-Lose Model.
No-Lose Decision Model
Go back and stand at the Choice Point again. This time, the situation looks like this:
Notice that what lies ahead are simply two paths—A and B—both of which are right! Each path has nothing but “goodies” along the way. You are clearly facing a no-lose situation. And what are these goodies? They are opportunities to experience life in a new way, to learn and grow, to find out who you are and who you would really like to be and what you would like to do in this life. Each path is spotted with opportunities— despite the outcome.
Real-Life Situation (No-Win)
Imagine you are faced with the choice of staying with your present job or taking a new one that has opened up for you. If you stand at the No-Win Choice Point, your Chatterbox takes over and the craziness begins:
“If I stay here I might be missing a very good chance to move ahead. But if I go, maybe I won’t be able to handle my new responsibilities. What if I get fired on the new job, and then I have nothing? I really like it here. I’ll have more opportunities to move ahead on the new job. Maybe they’ll promote me and I’ll be making more money. But what if I regret leaving? What if . . . ? Oh, I don’t know what to do! I could ruin my whole life if I make the wrong decision!”
Real-Life Situation (No-Lose)
If you stand at the No-Lose Choice Point, your “fearless” self takes over:
“Isn’t it fantastic! I’ve been offered a new job. If I take it, I’ll have an opportunity to meet new people, to learn new ways of doing things, to experience an entirely different work atmosphere, and to broaden my base of experience. If something happens and it doesn’t work out, I know I’ll handle it. Even though the job market is difficult right now, I know somehow I’ll find another job if I need one. Even that will be an interesting experience since I’ll learn to deal with the loss of a job and learn to solve the problems that might come up if I am unemployed. If I stay, I have an opportunity to deepen the contacts I have made here.
I really feel better about myself having been offered the other job, so if I stay, perhaps I’ll ask for a promotion. If for some reason it doesn’t work out here, there will be other opportunities to pursue. It’s all an adventure, no matter which way I turn.”
Be Ready to Handle It
There are people who think this way—and their approach to life is a joy. They truly live in a no-lose world. A critical factor in accepting the No-Lose Model is the way you think about outcomes and opportunities. Traditionally, opportunities in life are thought of as relating to money, status, and the visible signs of “success.” Susan is asking you to think of opportunity in an entirely different light. Every time you encounter something that forces you to “handle it,” your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way, your fears are diminished immeasurably.
“The knowledge that you can handle anything that comes your way is the key to allowing yourself to take healthy, life-affirming risks.”
