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We spend more time being scared of imaginary scenarios than actually going through terrifying experiences. How much of your life have you spent in worry, and how much of it have you actually endured something bad?
Did you know that from all the things we worry about, 30% are things from the past that cannot be changed, 40% are bad scenarios that will never happen, 12% are related to people’s opinion of us, 10% are related to health issues (which worry only makes worse), and only 8% are things that need us to take action? (Cox, 2015)
More than 90% of our time we spend in worry about things we have little or no control over! While we couldn’t do anything else in these cases but try to be more accepting and mindful. Here is a simple and practical method for that 8% of worries we can act on.
Worry: How to Deal With it
Worry keeps your mind in a state of blur, making you helpless in the face of problems. To conquer your fears, you’ll have to define them first!
So, please go ahead and grab a pen and paper, as you’re going to need them for the below 5-step strategy. Many people have been using this technique successfully, and obviously, I use it too when I’m worried or confused about a situation.
It’s super simple and will help you get out of a fearful (worry) state by bringing more clarity over the situation you’re dealing with.
1. The first step is to think about an aspect of your life that is bothering or worrying you. Go ahead and write it down. Determine an action step you can take to change that situation and think of the absolute worst outcome if you take that action step.
Write down in detail the most disastrous scenario that exists in your head: What are the things you fear? What might go wrong? What would be the consequences, and would they be irreversible? How likely would it be for your fears to happen?
Rate the magnitude of the consequences from 1 to 5 (5 being an absolute disaster, and 1 not so bad).
2. Once you’re finished assessing the situation and all potential consequences of your actions, ask yourself: Could I do something to reduce the impact of the consequences or fix things later? If so, how would I do it?
Searching for solutions will bring up new perspectives. When you’re less busy worrying, you will be impressed at your brain’s capacity and creative powers to find answers.
3. The next question you need to ask yourself is: How will your lack of action impact your life (emotionally, physically, and financially)?
Most often, we think about what could happen if we take a particular action but forget to consider the negative consequences of inaction. In three months, six months, or a year, what would be the result of you not doing anything about this situation?
4. Accept the things that you cannot change. William James, the well-known American philosopher, and psychologist said: “Be willing to have it so. Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” After you accept the worst, there is nothing else to lose.
5. Think about the potential positive outcome. Rate the benefits of a positive result, from 1-5, 5 being the best you hoped for.
For example:
1. Worry problem: I’m unhappy with my life, and I wish to move to another city.
What I fear will happen if I take action: I fear that I’ll be completely alone at first, with nobody to count on, I might struggle financially, or I might not like it as much as I thought I would.
So, on a scale from 1-5, the negative outcome would be a 4.
2. Possible actions I could take to reduce the impact of the consequences: I could join groups online, join classes for activities I’m passionate about to connect with like-minded people. I could work a survival job initially to make ends meet. If I end up hating the city, I can move anytime somewhere else or even back to the town where I initially lived.
3. The negative consequences of inaction: I would be unhappy, and over the long term, I could end up feeling completely miserable and stuck. I could waste potential opportunities, and I would probably regret my entire life if I didn’t make the change.
4. Accept the things that can’t be changed: I accept that my life would be far from ideal initially, and I will start from zero on many aspects of my life.
5. The potential positive outcome: I will meet new people, discover a new city, enjoy new experiences, and find the happiness I was looking for. On a scale from 1 to 5, the positive outcome could be a 5.
Thinking about problems like this, one will realize that their fears are often not that strong, and most bad consequences could be reversible. The potential positive outcomes compared with the negative ones might be more significant, making the action step worth taking in any worry situation.
Dealing With Your Inner Critic
The harshest critic we will ever have will be the one inside our head. That inner voice that keeps nagging us, always whispering about our shortcomings, acts like our biggest bully. Why is it so rude to us for no reason? Well, there is a reason. That inner critic we all have is trying to protect and improve us, but it doesn’t always know how to do it.
Sometimes, what we say to ourselves is real. For example, if you look in the mirror and notice you’ve gained some weight, it’s not the end of the world to point that out. It could help you to get motivated to become healthier. But if you look in the mirror and think you’re disgusting and that no one will love you, then that’s a problem. The deeper, hidden truth is still there – that you might need to make some healthy choices – but it’s how we say it to ourselves that counts.
How you talk to yourself has a profound emotional effect. Be wary of the tone of your inner voice. Teach the voice from your head to talk more productively. Think of that inner critic like a child: you’re teaching them what is appropriate to say and what is not.
If you were to learn something new, and the person teaching you would just shout and constantly criticize you, not only would it be unhelpful, but it would make you feel bad about yourself, lose your confidence and motivation. However, if they would nicely explain what’s wrong and how you could improve, then the outcome would be completely different, wouldn’t it?
Detach From Your Inner Voice
What is essential to understand is that you’re not your mind, and if the inside voice refuses to be nicer, there are ways to detach from it. You don’t have to listen to it just because it lives inside your head. Next time your inner voice is rude to you, you can try this:
- Observe your inner critic, in detail on what it says to you, and its aggressive tone.
- Stretch your arm forward with your palm up.
- Imagine your inner voice leaving your mind and coming down inside your palm.
- Now that it’s in your palm, you can play with it: Slow it down. Change the tone to a funny one — for example, you could make it sound like a little girl or a cartoon character.
How is it? It feels less threatening, right? It’s easier to brush those comments off now. This is a way to visualize that voice, so we don’t let it cause so much mental damage.
Another method to apply when you can’t get a particular critical thought out of your head is to try singing it. If you tell yourself, “I’m a loser, and I’ll never do anything right,” sing that along with your favorite song. As you start to do this, you’ll realize just how silly it really sounds to say such a mean thing to yourself.
You can also try writing down your thoughts and reading them back. When you actually put your negative thoughts on paper, it helps you see them objectively and recognize just how ridiculous they are.
Be Kind to Yourself
“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” – OSCAR WILDE
It’s easy to love yourself on your good days, but it’s essential to learn to accept yourself on your bad ones when you only see your flaws.
The base of self-compassion is self-kindness. This concept comes from the Buddhist culture and encourages us to treat ourselves as we would treat our best friend. Accepting our flaws comes from the deep understanding we are all imperfect beings. The only perfect people that exist are those on TV and our social media feeds. But no one is as perfect as television or Instagram makes them look!
Those who struggle to show love and appreciation to themselves end up feeling a lot of internal suffering, unhappiness that leads eventually to anxiety, depression, and isolation. Treating yourself with more kindness has many positive consequences on your well-being, making you feel inner peace, being more satisfied with your life, feeling happier and more resilient.
So, make a habit of asking yourself thoughtful questions in difficult times, same as you’d ask a friend that would need your support: How can I care for myself today? What would I say, or what advice would I give to a friend in a similar situation like this? How would I say it, most importantly?
To care for yourself when you’re having a bad day, you could engage in some of your favorite activities. It can be reading, having a spa day, exercising, meditating, or spending time with family or friends. Incorporating these activities in your life when things are difficult is an excellent way of showing yourself some compassion, which will make a massive difference in your mental well-being in the long term.
Learning to put yourself first is an excellent way of self-care, especially if you continuously give time and energy to other people, forgetting to take some time for what your soul needs. From the moment you’re born until the moment you die, the only person you are 100% of the time with is yourself, so try your best to make your own company and overall life journey a pleasant one. Always remember this saying by Buddha: “You, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.”
(Excerpt is from “The Fear of Failure: How to Become an Action Taker, Stop Worrying, Overcome Procrastination and Perfectionism” by Wilda Hale.)
